Play A Prank: Find Out Secret Crushes!

Got this email from colleague. It's a link to a site where you can enter your crushes' names and SUPPOSEDLY works like one of those online love calculators. Turns out, it actually SENDS the names of these crushes back to the email sender! Haha, nice prank!

Check it out here: http://www.vinayakworld.org/lovecalculator/index.asp?c=384974

What Women REALLY Mean

A must-read for any clueless guy out there! Memorize these 9 phrases and what they really mean when girls say them. These could save your life!

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This isn’t actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ … that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying ____ YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

Disorder in the Court (Part 1)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
____________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ __________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

Marketing Concepts: Explained

Is the world of marketing confusing you? These analogies are simple, easy-to-understand and actually quite accurate!

A business professor was explaining ten (10) marketing concepts:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” - That’s Direct Marketing

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. Marry him.” - That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” - That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride and then say: “By the way, I’m rich. Will you marry me?” - That’s Public Relations

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich! Can you marry me?” - That’s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a hard slap on your face. - That’s Customer Feedback.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. - That’s demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person comes and tells her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” And she goes with him - That’s competition eating into your market share.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: ‘I’m rich Marry me!’ your wife arrives. - That’s restriction for entering new markets.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich Marry me! Another girl arrives and says, I’m also available. - That’s buy one take one.

The Ten Conyo–mandments

This is for all you wannabe conyos!

The Ten Conyo–mandments

1. Thou shall make gamit “make+pandiwa” “Let’s make pasok na to our class!”
“Wait lang! I’m making kain pa!”
“Come on na, we can’t make hintay anymore!”

2. Thou shall make kalat “noh”, “di ba” and “eh” in your pangungusap “I don’t like to make lakad in the baha nga, noh? Eh di ba it’s like, so ewww, di ba?
“What ba? Stop nga being maarte noh!”
“Eh as if you want naman also, di ba?

3. When making describe a whatever, always say “It’s SO pang–uri!” “It’s so malaki, you know, and so mainit!”
“I know right? So sarap nga eh!”
“You’re making me inggit naman, I’ll make bili nga my own burger.”

4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation “dude”, “tsong” or “pare” “Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare.” - (ENGANAL = Engineering Analysis in DLSU, FYI.)
“I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh.”

5. Thou shall know you know? I know right! “My bag is so bigat today, you know.”
“I know, right! We have to make dala pa kase the jumbo Physics book eh!”

6. Make gawa the plural of pangalans like in English or Spanish “I have so many tigyawats, oh!”

7. Like, when you can make kaya, always like. Like, I know right? “Like it’s so init naman!”
“Yeah! The air–con, it’s like sira kase eh!”

8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your sentence, you know, your pangungusap? “Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?”
”It’s so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?”

9. Make gamit of plenty of abbreviations, you know, daglat? “Like OMG! It’s like traffic sa EDSA.”
“I know, right? It’s so kaka!”
“Kaka?”
“Kakaasar!”

10. Make gamit the pinakamarte voice and pronunciation you have para full effect! “I’m like, making aral at the Arrhneow!”
“Me naman, I’m from Lazzahl!”

Bad Habits of Leaders

These are based on a book, although I don’t know which one... good reading for leaders and bosses.

1. Winning too much:The need to win at all costs and in all situations – when it matters, when it doesn’t, and when it’s totally beside the point.
2. Adding too much value:The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion.
3. Passing judgment:The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.
4. Making destructive comments:The needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty.
5. Starting with “No,” “But,” or “However”:the overuse of these negative qualifiers which secretly say to everyone, “I’m right.You’re wrong.”
6. Telling the world how smart we are:The need to show people we’re smarter than they think we are.
7. Speaking when angry:Using emotional volatility as a management tool.
8. Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”:The need to share our negative thoughts even when we weren’t asked.
9. Withholding information:The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.
10. Failing to give proper recognition:The inability to praise and reward.
11. Claiming credit that we don’t deserve:The most annoying way to overestimate our contribution to any success.
12. Making excuses:The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.
13. Clinging to the past:The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else.
14. Playing favorites:Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.
15. Refusing to express regret:The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.
16. Not listening:The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.
17. Failing to express gratitude:The most basic form of bad manners.
18. Punishing the messenger:The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.
19. Passing the buck:The need to blame everyone but ourselves.
20. An excessive need to be “me”:Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they’re who we are.

Why I Fired My Secretary

"Why I fired my Secretary"

Last week was my birthday
and I didn’t feel very well
waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’,
and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
‘ Happy Birthday.’ I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…
They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
‘Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ‘
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !’ We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?’ I responded,
‘I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?’
She said,
‘Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
‘ Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ‘Happy Birthday’. And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.