Monday, June 28, 2010

Hollywood Squares Funny Quotes

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Friday, June 11, 2010


No point using limited life to chase unlimited money.

No point earning so much money you cannot live to spend it.

Money is not yours until you spend it.

When you are young, you use your health to chase your wealth; when you are old, you use your wealth to buy back your health. Difference is that, it is too late.

How happy a man is, is not how much he has but how little he needs.

No point working so hard to provide for the people you have no time to spend with.

Remember this -- We come to this world with nothing, we leave this world with nothing!

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Tale of Love and Madness

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for

the first time, virtues and vices floated around and were bored, not

knowing what to do.

One day, all the vices and virtues were gathered together and were more

bored than ever. Suddenly, Ingenious came up with an idea: "Let's play hide

and seek!"

All of them liked the idea and immediately Madness shouted: "I want to

count, I want to count!" And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek

Madness, all the others agreed. Madness leaned against a tree and started

to count: "One, two, three..."

As Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding. Tenderness hung

itself on the horn of the moon, Treason hid in a pile of garbage. Fondness

curled up between the clouds and Passion went to the center of the earth.

Lie said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the

lake, whilst Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking. And Madness

continued to count: "... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..." By this time,

all the vices and virtues were already hidden - except Love. For undecided

as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise

us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.

Madness: "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..." Just when Madness

got to one hundred, Love jumped into a rose bush where he hid. And Madness

turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, i'm coming!" As Madness turned

around, Laziness was the first to be found, because Laziness had no energy

to hide. Then he spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the

bottom of the lake and Passion at the center of the earth. One by one,

Madness found them all - except Love.

Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love. Envious of Love, Envy

whispered to Madness: "You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in

the rose bush."

Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the rose bush.

Madness stabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop. Love

appeared from the rose bush, covering his face with his hands. Between his

fingers ran two trickles of blood from his eyes.

Madness, so anxious to find Love, had stabbed out Love's eyes with a pitch

fork. "What have I done! What have I done!" Madness shouted. "I have left

you blind! How can I repair it?" And Love answered: "You cannot repair my

eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you can be my guide."

And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always

accompanied by Madness.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Laughing at Old Age


Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I.. Let's have a beer.'

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and


'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said,

'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Top Ten Stupid Answers To Game Show Questions by Sasha Purse (from RX 39.1)

The Top Ten Stupid Answers To Game Show Questions by Sasha Purse

1. Blasphemous – Q: “Ano sa Tagalog ang teeth?” A: “Utong!”

2. Carlo of Taguig – Q: “Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?” A: “Umiilaw!”

3. Pancho – Q: “Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao? A: “Humanitarian?”

4. Joan C – Q: “Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga…” A: “Ninja?”

5. Potpot/Simplyme – Q: “Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?” A: “Sunog!”

6. Arcueid – Q: “Magbigay ng sikat na Willie.” A: “Willie da pooh!”

7. Raimon – Q: “Ang mga Hindu ay galing sa aling bansa?” A: “Hindunesia?”

8. Bonnjeru – Q: “Anong hayop si King Kong?” A: “Pagong!”

9. MaudeEvans – Q: “Magbigay ng mabahong pagkain.” A: “Tae!”

10. Supertanker – Q: “Saang bansa matatagpuan ang mga Canadians?” A: “Canadia!”

11. RC & Cess – Q: “Kumpletuhin – Little Red…” A: “Ribbon!”

12. Jose de Vengenge – Q: “Ano ang tinatanggal sa itlog bago ito kainin?” A: “Buhok?”

13. Arcueid – Q: “Magbigay ng pagkain na dumidikit sa ngipin.” A: “Tinga!”

14. LilMaui – Q: “Anong oras kadalasang pinapatay ang TV?” A: “Pag balita?”

15. Katherine – Q: “Ano ang tawag mo sa anak ng taong grasa?” A: “Baby oil?”

16. RC & Cess – Q: “Saan karaniwang ginagawa ang mga sweets na ginagamit sa halu-halo?” A: “Sweetserland?”

17. RC & Cess – Q: “Sinong higanteng G ang tinalo ni David?” A: “Godzilla?”

18. LilRedShiningNips – Q: “Ano ang mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol ng tao?” A: “Itlog ng tao!”

19. Jose de Vengenge – Q: “Anong S ang tawag sa duktor nag nago-opera?” A: “Sadista?”

20. Ned – Q: “Blank is the best policy.” A: “Ice tea?”

21. Boc – Q: “Anong parte ng itlog ang masarap?” A: “Yung tangkay?”

22. Espeks – Q: “Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?” A: “Sa likod!”

23. No Angel – Q: “Fill in the blanks – Beauty is in the eye of the ____.” A: “Tiger?”

24. No name – Q: “Ano ang kinakain ng monkey-eating eagle?” A: “Saging!”

25. No name – Q: “Kung ang suka ay vinegar, ano naman ang Inggles ng toyo?” A: “Baliw!”

26. Kayee – Q: “Anong tawag mo sa kapatid ng nanay mo?” A: “Kamag-anak!”

27. Kid Bukid – Q: “Saan nakukuha ang sakit na AIDS?” A: “Sa motel?”

28. His Cuteness – Q: “Kung ang H2O ay water, ano naman ang CO2?” A: “Cold water!”

29. Katuray – Q: “Sinong cartoon charcater ang sumisigaw ng yabba dabba doo?” A: “Si scooby dooby doo?”

30. Loipogi – Q: “Heto na si kaka, bubuka-bukaka.” A: “Operadang bakla?”

31. litzkrieg – Q: “Ilan ang bituin sa American flag?” A: “Madami!”

32. Adakrab 14 – Q: “Ano ang tawag mo sa taong isa lang ang mata?” A: “Abnormal!”

The Little Old Lady...

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him

'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool! ' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard