Copy, Paste, Share

Hollywood Squares Funny Quotes

2010-06-28T00:15:00.000-07:00

These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

5 Lessons from a Pencil

2010-06-24T00:58:00.000-07:00

6 PRINCIPLES OF LIFE

2010-06-11T02:21:00.001-07:00

No point using limited life to chase unlimited money.

No point earning so much money you cannot live to spend it.

Money is not yours until you spend it.

When you are young, you use your health to chase your wealth; when you are old, you use your wealth to buy back your health. Difference is that, it is too late.

How happy a man is, is not how much he has but how little he needs.

No point working so hard to provide for the people you have no time to spend with.

Remember this -- We come to this world with nothing, we leave this world with nothing!

The Tale of Love and Madness

2010-05-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for

the first time, virtues and vices floated around and were bored, not

knowing what to do.

One day, all the vices and virtues were gathered together and were more

bored than ever. Suddenly, Ingenious came up with an idea: "Let's play hide

and seek!"

All of them liked the idea and immediately Madness shouted: "I want to

count, I want to count!" And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek

Madness, all the others agreed. Madness leaned against a tree and started

to count: "One, two, three..."

As Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding. Tenderness hung

itself on the horn of the moon, Treason hid in a pile of garbage. Fondness

curled up between the clouds and Passion went to the center of the earth.

Lie said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the

lake, whilst Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking. And Madness

continued to count: "... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..." By this time,

all the vices and virtues were already hidden - except Love. For undecided

as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise

us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.

Madness: "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..." Just when Madness

got to one hundred, Love jumped into a rose bush where he hid. And Madness

turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, i'm coming!" As Madness turned

around, Laziness was the first to be found, because Laziness had no energy

to hide. Then he spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the

bottom of the lake and Passion at the center of the earth. One by one,

Madness found them all - except Love.

Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love. Envious of Love, Envy

whispered to Madness: "You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in

the rose bush."

Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the rose bush.

Madness stabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop. Love

appeared from the rose bush, covering his face with his hands. Between his

fingers ran two trickles of blood from his eyes.

Madness, so anxious to find Love, had stabbed out Love's eyes with a pitch

fork. "What have I done! What have I done!" Madness shouted. "I have left

you blind! How can I repair it?" And Love answered: "You cannot repair my

eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you can be my guide."

And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always

accompanied by Madness.

Laughing at Old Age

2010-04-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I.. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and

said,

'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said,

'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

The Top Ten Stupid Answers To Game Show Questions by Sasha Purse (from RX 39.1)

2010-03-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

The Top Ten Stupid Answers To Game Show Questions by Sasha Purse

1. Blasphemous – Q: “Ano sa Tagalog ang teeth?” A: “Utong!”

2. Carlo of Taguig – Q: “Kung ang light ay ilaw, ano naman ang lightning?” A: “Umiilaw!”

3. Pancho – Q: “Kung vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng gulay, ano ang tawag sa kumakain ng tao? A: “Humanitarian?”

4. Joan C – Q: “Sina Michael at Raphael ay mga…” A: “Ninja?”

5. Potpot/Simplyme – Q: “Ano ang karaniwang kasunod ng kidlat?” A: “Sunog!”

6. Arcueid – Q: “Magbigay ng sikat na Willie.” A: “Willie da pooh!”

7. Raimon – Q: “Ang mga Hindu ay galing sa aling bansa?” A: “Hindunesia?”

8. Bonnjeru – Q: “Anong hayop si King Kong?” A: “Pagong!”

9. MaudeEvans – Q: “Magbigay ng mabahong pagkain.” A: “Tae!”

10. Supertanker – Q: “Saang bansa matatagpuan ang mga Canadians?” A: “Canadia!”

11. RC & Cess – Q: “Kumpletuhin – Little Red…” A: “Ribbon!”

12. Jose de Vengenge – Q: “Ano ang tinatanggal sa itlog bago ito kainin?” A: “Buhok?”

13. Arcueid – Q: “Magbigay ng pagkain na dumidikit sa ngipin.” A: “Tinga!”

14. LilMaui – Q: “Anong oras kadalasang pinapatay ang TV?” A: “Pag balita?”

15. Katherine – Q: “Ano ang tawag mo sa anak ng taong grasa?” A: “Baby oil?”

16. RC & Cess – Q: “Saan karaniwang ginagawa ang mga sweets na ginagamit sa halu-halo?” A: “Sweetserland?”

17. RC & Cess – Q: “Sinong higanteng G ang tinalo ni David?” A: “Godzilla?”

18. LilRedShiningNips – Q: “Ano ang mas malaki, itlog ng ibon o sanggol ng tao?” A: “Itlog ng tao!”

19. Jose de Vengenge – Q: “Anong S ang tawag sa duktor nag nago-opera?” A: “Sadista?”

20. Ned – Q: “Blank is the best policy.” A: “Ice tea?”

21. Boc – Q: “Anong parte ng itlog ang masarap?” A: “Yung tangkay?”

22. Espeks – Q: “Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?” A: “Sa likod!”

23. No Angel – Q: “Fill in the blanks – Beauty is in the eye of the ____.” A: “Tiger?”

24. No name – Q: “Ano ang kinakain ng monkey-eating eagle?” A: “Saging!”

25. No name – Q: “Kung ang suka ay vinegar, ano naman ang Inggles ng toyo?” A: “Baliw!”

26. Kayee – Q: “Anong tawag mo sa kapatid ng nanay mo?” A: “Kamag-anak!”

27. Kid Bukid – Q: “Saan nakukuha ang sakit na AIDS?” A: “Sa motel?”

28. His Cuteness – Q: “Kung ang H2O ay water, ano naman ang CO2?” A: “Cold water!”

29. Katuray – Q: “Sinong cartoon charcater ang sumisigaw ng yabba dabba doo?” A: “Si scooby dooby doo?”

30. Loipogi – Q: “Heto na si kaka, bubuka-bukaka.” A: “Operadang bakla?”

31. litzkrieg – Q: “Ilan ang bituin sa American flag?” A: “Madami!”

32. Adakrab 14 – Q: “Ano ang tawag mo sa taong isa lang ang mata?” A: “Abnormal!”

The Little Old Lady...

2010-03-18T11:15:00.001-07:00

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him

'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool! ' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

Installing Husband Software

2010-03-08T09:50:00.000-08:00

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 toHusband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3..0 and Golf 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, ______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________

Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. htmland try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default toSilence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3..0 and Hot Looks 7.7..

Good Luck Madam!

Funny 5 Minute Management Course

2010-02-23T23:54:00.000-08:00

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift..
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

The Triangle of Life: A simple tip that can save your life during an earthquake

2010-02-17T13:31:00.000-08:00

FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON THE 'TRIANGLE OF LIFE'

Edited for MAA Safety Committee brief

My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake.

I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams
from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and one of
the United Nations experts in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have
worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985.

In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and the other ten mannequins used my 'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake, we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results. The film showed that there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover; and 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the 'triangle of life.'

This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and
the rest of Europe, and it was seen in the USA , Canada and Latin America on the TV program.

The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City
during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles.

At that time, the children were told to hide under something. Simply
stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon
the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or
void next to them. This space is what I call the 'triangle of life'. The
larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the
object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the
person who is using this void for safety will not be injured.

The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the
'triangles' you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common
shape.
Â

Â

Â TEN TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY
Â
1) Almost everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' when buildings collapse are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position.
You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct.
You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa,
next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void
next to it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.

4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll
off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a
much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on the back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the
floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.

6) Almost everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is
killed. How ? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the doorjamb falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different 'moment of
frequency' (they swing separately from the main part of the building).The
stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other
until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on
stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly
mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the
stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if
the earthquake does not collapse the stairs, they may collapse later when
overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety,
even when the rest of the building is not damaged.

8) Get near the Outer Walls Of Buildings or Outside Of Them if possible.
It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than
the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the
building the greater the probability that your escape route will be
blocked.

9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in
an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened
with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles... Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or
lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.

10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and
other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large
voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.

Spread the word and save someone's life.

Nerd on an Island

2010-02-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years.

One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, 'It's not a ship.' The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, 'It's not a boat.' The speck gets even closer and he thinks, 'It's not a raft.' Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, 'How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?' 'Ten years!', he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, 'Man, oh man! Is that good!'

Then she asked, 'How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?'
He replies, 'Ten years!' She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, 'Wow! That's fantastic!' Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, 'And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?'

And the man replies, 'My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?'

How Smart is your Right Foot?

2010-02-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

What is Butt Dust?

2010-02-16T13:54:00.000-08:00

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six..'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read : 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon.....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

The Amazing Cucumber

2009-11-06T13:27:00.000-08:00

This information was in The New York Times several weeks ago as part
of their "Spotlight on the Home" series that highlighted creative and
fanciful ways to solve common problems.

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one
cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5,
Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon?
Put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after shower?
Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds?
Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pest all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool?
Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache?
Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge?
Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European
trappers, traders, and explorers for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes?
Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge?
Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila,
the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa?
Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber with react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown to reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finished a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints?
Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel?
Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake?
Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!
Pass this along to everybody you know who is looking for better and safer ways to solve life's everyday problems.

Quarter-Life Crisis

2009-11-06T13:25:00.000-08:00

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups
start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Break Time - Tawa Muna!

2009-11-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

Hindi lahat ng party ay masaya--3RD PARTY
Hindi lahat ng 13 ay malas--13TH MONTH PAY
Hindi lahat ng negative nakakalungkot- PREGNANCY TEST (whew)
Hindi lahat ng positive ikina-sasaya- -HIV POSITIVE

************ ********* *******
Panibagong sagot sa tanong na: "'musta lovelife?"
"Eto self supporting."

************ ********* *******
Anak: Tay , totoo po bang may multo?
Tatay: Anak walang multo! Bakit mo naitanong?
Anak: Sabi kasi ni yaya merong multo!
Tatay: Anak...Tang' ina naman, wala tayong yaya!

************ ********* *******
Inday: Ate, kailangan daw ipa-EXTRAY ulo ni junior?
Mother: Gaga anong EXTRAY?
Inday: Ano pu ba talaga ati?
Mother: CT SKULL!! Bobo!

************ ********* *******
Bahay ng mag-asawa pinasok ng killer....
Killer: Bago ko patayin lahat ng biktima ko ay kinikilala ko muna. Ikaw Mrs, ano pangalan mo?
Mrs: Inday po.
Killer: Napakagandang pangalan, kapangalan mo nanay ko.
Hindi na kita papatayin. Ikaw mr, ano pangalan mo?
Mr: Ah Pedro po, pero my friends call me Inday.

************ ********* *******
Chinese feng shui: If MIRROR at the stairs, may swerte at grasya akyat.
If MIRROR at the door, may swerte at grasya pasok.
If MIRROR at the ceiling, ikaw swerte, nasa loob ka ng MOTEL!

************ ********* *******
Teacher: Juan, give me colors that start with letter M, except maroon!
Juan: Hhmmm...
Maitim!
Mapute!
Maputla!
Madilaw!
Mukhang berde!
Mejo asul!
Mamink-mink!

************ ********* *******
Mag-ama nakasakay sa barko habang bumabagyo...
Anak: Tay ! Nag-aalala po ako. Parang lulubog ang barko.
Tatay: Tanga! Ba't ka mag-aalala eh di naman atin ito!

************ ********* *******

Nanay: Papauwi ka na ba? Asan ka na?
Anak: Andito po ako sa ospital...
Nanay (umiiyak): Ha? Ano nangyari sayo?!
Anak: Nay, nurse po ako, duty ako ngayon!

************ ********* *******

A large signboard says: "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY."
Nakita ng lasenggo... "So what?! Sino ba nagmamadali? "?

************ ********* *******

Misis: Inday, napansin mo ba ang barong ni sir mo lagi na lang may lipstick?
Maid: Opo nga ma'am! Mukang niloloko na tayo ni sir ah?!?!

************ ********* *******
Jr: Nay, nagloko ba si lolo noong buhay pa sya?
Mom: Pag namatay ako, tatanungin ko sya sa langit.
Jr: Eh kung nasa hell si lolo?
Mom: Tatay mo ang magtatanong!

************ ********* *******

Wife mad at drunk husband: From now on, lips that touch liquor will never touch mine...
(Later she said): What are you thinking?
Husband: Trying to decide between 12year old scotch and 50year old lips.

************ ********* ****

Son to dying father: Itay, ano po ang gusto nyo, magpalibing ba o magpa-cremate?
Ama:Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise mo na lang ako.

************ ********* ****
Pacquiao: Honey, boksan mo na yun sweets.
Jinky: Nasan honey? Ang lambing mo naman. May pasalubong ka pa sa akin!
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng elaw. Ang dilim kasi!

************ ********* ****

Bisaya: Hulaan mo alaga kong hayop nagsimula sa liter I.
DJ: Isda?
Bisaya: Dili man!
Dj: Ibon?
Bisaya: Lapit na.
DJ: Ano nga, siret na!
Bisaya: IGOL.

************ ********* ****

Erap disembarked from a PAL flight and was met by reporter who asked, "Sir, what do you think of the economy?"
Erap: I don't know. I was seated in the first class.

**** ************ *********

Tony: Ikaw na naman? Tatlong beses mo na akong na-holdup ngayong taon, ah!
Holdaper: Ganu'n talaga brod. Inaalagaan ang good customer!

Top 10 PUNny Lines from the International Pun Contest

2009-10-18T06:55:00.000-07:00

*The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest
level of language development. Here are the 10 first place winners in the
International Pun Contest:*

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,
"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in  Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in  Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair.   He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super
calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
*
*No pun in ten did*

Only in the Philippines: Hilarious Pinoy Signs!

2009-10-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

Kawawa naman yung mga naglalaba ditto, di pinag lulunch! Hahaha!

Very upfront!! Talagang mention the word "kulangot"

Camera?

In fairness!!!

Nako, approved ba ng CHED to? bwahaha

Anu daw?

Ano kayang meron dito?

Hahaha this is the best!!! Kinabog si kuya kim at ernie baron!!

Ang healthy cguro ng mga tao dito!

Baka naman na cremate si kuya?

Wahahaha fee talaga?

Fact, not Fiction

2009-10-08T07:30:00.001-07:00

'lollipop'
is the longest word typed with your right hand.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
(Are you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,

but our nose and ears '

never stop growing.

The sentence:
'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog'
uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?

The words 'racecar,'
'kayak'
and 'level'
are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous':
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels

in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e l o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word
that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds..
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.)

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)

Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2

moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube

and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls

froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill

was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

Yoga and Drinking

2009-10-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does !!!

Savasana
Position of total relaxation.

Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midirift area and the spinal comumn.

Halasana
Excelent for back pain and imsomnia.

Dolphin
Excelent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.

Salambhasana
Great excersice to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

Ananda Balasana
This position is great for masaging the hip area.

Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.

So, lets start drinking ..............

25 Passive Aggressive Office Kitchen Notes

2009-10-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

25 Passive Aggressive Office Kitchen Notes

40 Years Later: The 7 Children In 'The Sound of Music'

2009-09-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

40 Years Later: The 7 Children In 'The Sound of Music'

'The Sound of Music' won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1965 and is one of the most popular musicals ever produced.

Remember the 7 children of the Von Trapp family?

They had a reunion after 40 years
and all looked healthy and amazingly well...

It wouldn't be funny if it weren't true... Julie Andrews turned 69 and to commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, the actress/vocalist made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie "The Sound Of Music."

Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in strings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things..
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humour with others who would appreciate it.

You Gotta Love This Lawyer!

2009-09-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

YOU GOTTA LOVE THIS LAWYER !!!

A New Orleans lawyer sought a Federal Housing Authority (FHA) loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows.

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

He got the loan.

Yaya Jokes

2009-08-09T07:38:00.000-07:00

> 1. Yaya buys food at McDo. > Crew: "Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?"
> Yaya: "Puwede sa table?"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 2. Kid: "Yaya look, boats!"
> Yaya: "Dows are not boats, dey're yachts."
> Kid: "Yaya, spell yachts?"
> Yaya: "Yor rayt, dey are boats."
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor's office.
> Doc: "Bottlefed?"
> Woman: " Breastfed po."
> (Doctors squeezes woman's breasts repeatedly)
> Doc: "Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh."
> Woman: "Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.
> She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:
> "Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.
> Our yaya came back and said: "Ma'am, wala pong Inquirer
> kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 6. Yaya: "Huhuhu?"
> Ate: "O, bakit ka umiiyak?"
> Yaya: "Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!"
> Ate: "Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat? "
> Yaya: "Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi."
> Ate: "O, bakit ka di makatulog?"
> Yaya: "Kasi po may pinoproblema ako?"
> Ate: "Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?"
> Yaya: "Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 7. (Earlier) Mom: "Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!"
> (Later) Son: "Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?"
> Yaya: "Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.
> I angrily asked her, "Paano mo naman nasunog to?"
> She answered: "Secret!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :
> "Ang pangit naman, happy ending!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 10. Sir: "Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!"
> Yaya: "Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 11. Mom: "Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!"
> Yaya: "Ano po lulutuin ko?"
> Mom: "It's up to you."
> (During dinner) Mom: "Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?"
> Yaya: "Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,
> sabi niyo, 'kitsup tuyo'!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 12. Our neighbor's yaya: "Junjun, chew your mouth!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: "Miss isang Coke in can
> at isang Sprite na Coke in can?"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 14. SIR: "Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!"
> INDAY: "Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?"
> SIR: "Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!"
> INDAY: "Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin?kapkeyk? "
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.
> She answered: "Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 16. "O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?"
> Yaya: "Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!"
> Ate: "Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?"
> Yaya: "Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.
> Sabi namin: "Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?"
> Yaya: "Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, 'concentrate' ?"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 18. Neighbor's yaya telling the dog to climb down the stairs:
> "Down to earth! Down to earth!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
> Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
> "Ma'am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya's son.
> So one day I was reviewing him: "The Earth is the 3rd planet from
> the sun.
> Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?" His mom, our yaya, answered:
> "Parang Watson's yata?"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 21. Sir: "Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?"
> Yaya: "Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!"
> Sir: "Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?"
> Yaya: "Gunting, kuya! Gunting!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 22. Yaya to tricycle driver: "Magkano sa City Hall?"
> Driver: "Ikaw lang?" Yaya: "Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
> Kuya: "Yaya?"
> Yaya: "Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!"
> Kuya: "Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!"
> Yaya: "Si Koya naman?nagsa- suggest lang?"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 24. Kid: "Yaya, spell orange?"
> Yaya: "Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:
> "Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
> At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 26. Yaya to my brother: "Nag tothbrush ka na ng ipin?"
> Bro: "Siyempre, alangan namang mag toothbrush ako ng kilikili!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 27. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
> "Ma'am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit?promise! "
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 28. We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a kapre
> in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom.
> Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen?
> "Kapre yun ma'am, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na uy!"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 29. AMO: "Bakit namatay ang aso?"
> MAID: "Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap."
> AMO: "Nakamamatay ba yun?"
> MAID: "Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na."
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 30. Yaya picking up the phone saying: " Hilo ?"
> We noticed that she was holding the handset ng baligtad.
> We told her, "Yaya, baliktad!"
> Then Yaya said: "Lohi?"
> ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
> 31. Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence.
> Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone,
> (ring, ring, ring,) Yaya answered, " HILO , WHO'S COOLING PLACE?"

Top 10 Reasons Why There Couldn't Be a Filipino-American US President

2009-08-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Reasons Why There Couldn't Be a Filipino-American US President
By David Letterman

10. The White House is not big enough for in-laws and extended relatives.

9. There are not enough parking spaces at the White House for 2 Honda Civics, 2 Toyota Land Cruisers, 3 Toyota Corollas, a Mercedes Benz, a BMW , and an MPV (My Pinoy Van)

8. Dignitaries generally are intimidated by eating with their fingers at State dinners.

7. There are too many dining rooms in the White House - where will they put the picture of the Last Supper?

6. The White House walls are not big enough to hold a pair of giant wooden spoon and fork

5. Secret Service staff won't respond to 'psst... psst' or hoy.hoyhoy

4. Secret Service staff will not be comfortable driving the presidential car with a Holy Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror, or the statue of the Santo Nino on the dashboard.

3. No budget allocation to purchase a Karaoke music-machine for every room in the White House.

2. State dinners do not allow 'Take Home'.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY THERE COULDN'T BE A FILIPINO-AMERICAN U.S. PRESIDENT IS...

1. Air Force One does not allow overweight Balikbayan boxes!

Good Topic, Bad Article

2009-06-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

"A Treasure That the Philippines Must Have to Be Guided and Treasured Most"
by I.C.

MABUHAY. A Filipino term for "long live."

Despite of beauty, colors, and wealth of the Philippines, many of the Filipinos today could think that they can't feel these things (mostly our unfortunate brothers and sisters)... They will told you that they never think of what is patriotic or nationalistic... Instead, they will say "...we would so much to think our everyday needs for survival than of being patriotic..."

We cannot blame them... They never think of a Jose Rizal as they will think on a one peso coin much of him... They never think a Andres Bonifacio... A Francisco Balagtas... Or even can tell something about our rich history... This is not brought by ignorance... It is brought by poverty that took much of our society, centuries ago...

Even we, the learned Filipinos, the one who indulged to learn and be educated are unaware for the fact that we Filipinos have something to be proud of... We are so lucky to be send in schools and know about the land we are stepping right now... A country with millions of treasures, but are not buried under the soil... A treasure that we can hold on... And that is our very fare hope... and hope that we could see them to lead our nation in prosperity and greatness ones again... THE YOUTH.

Hope this message might mean for everybody... The Filipinos around the globe... teachers, soldiers, scholars, students, nurses, doctors, attorneys, and everybody... though a street vendor or a street sweeper... The nation of ours is great and we must turn the pages of our history in a way that the next generation will be proud of us and be benefited of what kind of new Filipinas will be a home for them...

Let the history's brave youth of our country serves as the model of our youth...

Tarik Soliman, the leader of the first ever Filipino battle with freedom as its cause... died at a very young age... a datu of Macabebe... dubbed as the bravest of the islands by the Spaniards and tagged as "the brave youth." And research shows that he was just 13 years of age when he fought and died in the famous Battle of Bangkusay...

Gen. Gregorio del Pilar... at a young age of 17, he joined the Katipunan... at the age of 19, he already experienced a bloody battle... at the age of 21, he became the first ever Filipino governor of Bulacan... and at the age of 22, he died for our country...

Emilio Jacinto... at the age of 19, he became one of the Katipunan's greatest leader... and at the age of 23, he died for our country...

Jose Rizal... the Philippine national hero... his undying and timeless works encircles the heart of every generation...

Hope that their memories may not fade...

Philippine Beauty Pageant Funny Q&A

2009-06-06T20:11:00.000-07:00

Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase
the beauty of the Philippines?
Girl Contestant : Bocaue.
Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines? Why
Bocaue?
Girl : Because it's a magnificent place.
Host : Which part of Bocaue?
Girl : The Bocaue Rice Terraces.
_____

Host : What is your best feature?
Contestant : My graduation feature.
_____

Host : What is you favorite motto?
Contestant : If others can't, why can't I!
_____

Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
Contestant : Please come back.
_____

Host : What is your typical day?
Contestant : I think Saturday po!
_____

Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would
you do it?'
Contestant : That's a very good question. Keep it up.
_____

Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant : My edge.... 23 years old.
_____

Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25!
_____

Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl : I'll be 28.
_____

Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl : Drugs.
Host : Why?
Girl : Mahal eh!
_____

Host : What is the essence of being gay?
Contestant : I'm proud to be gay because what is naked is essential to the
eye!
_____

Host : What makes you blush?
Girl : Blush on!
_____

Host : What is the essence of a man?
Gay Contestant : Testicles!
_____

Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how did you get here? Did you
ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What do you think of me, did you
walk???

When the Grass is Greener on the Other Side...

2009-06-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

When grass seems greener in the other side of the fence...

you put sometimes your head too far to really prove it...

and when you realise that you went too far and it is difficult to go back down, please remember that...

Not everybody that appears around will help you!!!!!

Mindset

2009-06-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

Hell: As explained by a Chemist

2009-04-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

===========

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

29 Funny Lines to Make You SMILE

2009-04-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

1.... My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.... Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.... I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.... Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.... You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.... Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.... I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10...Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11... NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12... God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13... The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14... Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16... Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17... Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18... Procrastinate Now!

19... I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21... A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..

22... Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23... They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24... He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25... A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29 .. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

90/10 Principle

2009-03-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

Discover the 90/10 Principle.

It will change your life (at least the way you react to situations).
What is this principle?

10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react.

What does this mean?
We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us.
We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic.
We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%.

How? ……….By your reaction.
You cannot control a red light. but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react.
Let's use an example.
You are eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened.
What happens next will be determined by how you react.
You curse.
You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus.
Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit.
After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home.
When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.
Why? …. Because of how you reacted in the morning.

Why did you have a bad day?
A) Did the coffee cause it?
B) Did your daughter cause it?
C) Did the policeman cause it?
D) Did you cause it?

The answer is “D".
You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.

Here is what could have and should have happened.
Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "Its ok honey, you just need to be more careful next time". Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.
Notice the difference?
Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different.
Why?
Because of how you REACTED.
You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction.
Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you!
React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.
How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off) Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them?
WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive?
Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it.
You are told you lost your job.
Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job.
The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take outpour frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on.
Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse.
Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it. The 90-10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle.
The result?
Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. We all must understand and apply the 90/10 principle.
It CAN change your life!!!
Enjoy….

Author: Stephen Covey

Bob Ong's Philosophy on Love

2009-02-21T18:30:00.000-08:00

Bob Ong’s Philosophy on Love

1. ‘Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo
para mahalin ka nya.’

2. ‘Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng
iba.’

3. ‘Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.’

4. ‘Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.’

5. ‘Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan yung sarili mo
kung walang pwesto para sa iyo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang
pansinin.’

6. ‘Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sa iyo, walang mangyayari sa buhay
mo. Dapat lumandi ka din.’

7. ‘Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na
araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang…’

8. ‘Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi
pagkukusa.’

9. ‘Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao
rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang.’

10. ‘Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka
naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.’

11. ‘Hindi porke’t madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa
mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan
kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt,
malandi, pa-fall o paasa.’

12. ‘Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon,
mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng
kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totoong mas mahalaga ang
kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga
crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka.’

13. ‘Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay,
kasi hindi ikaw ang priority.’

14. ‘Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida
sa script na pinili nya.’

15. ‘Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag
nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang
makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.’

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa
paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng
hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. ‘Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin
ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo.
Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang
hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit?
Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo
sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang
tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa
lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!’

19. ‘Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal…. nakakatakot mahulog…at kapag
nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or talagang tanga ka..’

Play A Prank: Find Out Secret Crushes!

2009-01-03T18:59:00.000-08:00

Got this email from colleague. It's a link to a site where you can enter your crushes' names and SUPPOSEDLY works like one of those online love calculators. Turns out, it actually SENDS the names of these crushes back to the email sender! Haha, nice prank!

Check it out here: http://www.vinayakworld.org/lovecalculator/index.asp?c=384974

What Women REALLY Mean

2008-11-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

A must-read for any clueless guy out there! Memorize these 9 phrases and what they really mean when girls say them. These could save your life!

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This isn’t actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ … that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying ____ YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

Disorder in the Court (Part 1)

2008-11-15T21:27:00.000-08:00

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
____________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
____________ _________ _________ __________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

Marketing Concepts: Explained

2008-11-15T21:25:00.001-08:00

Is the world of marketing confusing you? These analogies are simple, easy-to-understand and actually quite accurate!

A business professor was explaining ten (10) marketing concepts:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” - That’s Direct Marketing

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. Marry him.” - That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” - That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride and then say: “By the way, I’m rich. Will you marry me?” - That’s Public Relations

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich! Can you marry me?” - That’s Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a hard slap on your face. - That’s Customer Feedback.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. - That’s demand and supply gap.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person comes and tells her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” And she goes with him - That’s competition eating into your market share.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: ‘I’m rich Marry me!’ your wife arrives. - That’s restriction for entering new markets.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich Marry me! Another girl arrives and says, I’m also available. - That’s buy one take one.

The Ten Conyo–mandments

2008-11-15T21:22:00.000-08:00

This is for all you wannabe conyos!

The Ten Conyo–mandments

1. Thou shall make gamit “make+pandiwa” “Let’s make pasok na to our class!”
“Wait lang! I’m making kain pa!”
“Come on na, we can’t make hintay anymore!”

2. Thou shall make kalat “noh”, “di ba” and “eh” in your pangungusap “I don’t like to make lakad in the baha nga, noh? Eh di ba it’s like, so ewww, di ba?
“What ba? Stop nga being maarte noh!”
“Eh as if you want naman also, di ba?

3. When making describe a whatever, always say “It’s SO pang–uri!” “It’s so malaki, you know, and so mainit!”
“I know right? So sarap nga eh!”
“You’re making me inggit naman, I’ll make bili nga my own burger.”

4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation “dude”, “tsong” or “pare” “Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare.” - (ENGANAL = Engineering Analysis in DLSU, FYI.)
“I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh.”

5. Thou shall know you know? I know right! “My bag is so bigat today, you know.”
“I know, right! We have to make dala pa kase the jumbo Physics book eh!”

6. Make gawa the plural of pangalans like in English or Spanish “I have so many tigyawats, oh!”

7. Like, when you can make kaya, always like. Like, I know right? “Like it’s so init naman!”
“Yeah! The air–con, it’s like sira kase eh!”

8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your sentence, you know, your pangungusap? “Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?”
”It’s so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?”

9. Make gamit of plenty of abbreviations, you know, daglat? “Like OMG! It’s like traffic sa EDSA.”
“I know, right? It’s so kaka!”
“Kaka?”
“Kakaasar!”

10. Make gamit the pinakamarte voice and pronunciation you have para full effect! “I’m like, making aral at the Arrhneow!”
“Me naman, I’m from Lazzahl!”

Bad Habits of Leaders

2008-11-15T21:19:00.000-08:00

These are based on a book, although I don’t know which one... good reading for leaders and bosses.

Winning too much:The need to win at all costs and in all situations – when it matters, when it doesn’t, and when it’s totally beside the point.
Adding too much value:The overwhelming desire to add our two cents to every discussion.
Passing judgment:The need to rate others and impose our standards on them.
Making destructive comments:The needless sarcasms and cutting remarks that we think make us sound sharp and witty.
Starting with “No,” “But,” or “However”:the overuse of these negative qualifiers which secretly say to everyone, “I’m right.You’re wrong.”
Telling the world how smart we are:The need to show people we’re smarter than they think we are.
Speaking when angry:Using emotional volatility as a management tool.
Negativity, or “Let me explain why that won’t work”:The need to share our negative thoughts even when we weren’t asked.
Withholding information:The refusal to share information in order to maintain an advantage over others.
Failing to give proper recognition:The inability to praise and reward.
Claiming credit that we don’t deserve:The most annoying way to overestimate our contribution to any success.
Making excuses:The need to reposition our annoying behavior as a permanent fixture so people excuse us for it.
Clinging to the past:The need to deflect blame away from ourselves and onto events and people from our past; a subset of blaming everyone else.
Playing favorites:Failing to see that we are treating someone unfairly.
Refusing to express regret:The inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others.
Not listening:The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for colleagues.
Failing to express gratitude:The most basic form of bad manners.
Punishing the messenger:The misguided need to attack the innocent who are usually only trying to help us.
Passing the buck:The need to blame everyone but ourselves.
An excessive need to be “me”:Exalting our faults as virtues simply because they’re who we are.

Why I Fired My Secretary

2008-11-15T21:14:00.000-08:00

"Why I fired my Secretary"

Last week was my birthday
and I didn’t feel very well
waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’,
and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
‘ Happy Birthday.’ I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…
They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
‘Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ‘
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !’ We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?’ I responded,
‘I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?’
She said,
‘Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
‘ Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ‘Happy Birthday’. And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Confucius Says

2008-11-15T21:12:00.000-08:00

Confucius Says:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

What Beer is For…

2008-11-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

Blonde Logic

2008-11-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

Some funny blonde jokes. Gotta love ‘em blondies!

> > > Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
> >talking……..
> > >And one blonde says to the other, “Which do You think is farther
> > >away……….Florida or the moon?”
> > > The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can You see
> > >Florida…?????”
> > >
> > >
> > > CAR TROUBLE
> > >
> > > A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
>Mechanic
> >it
> > >died.
> > > After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
> > >She Says,
> > >
> > > “What’s the story?”
> > > He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
> > > She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
> > >
> > >
> > > SPEEDING TICKET
> > >
> > > A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
> >nicely
> > >if he could see her license.
> > > She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act
>together.
> >
> > >Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect
> > >me to show it to you!”
> > >
> > >
> > > RIVER WALK
> > >
> > > There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
>sees
> > >another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How
> > >can I get to the other side?”
> > > The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
>shouts
> > >back, “You ARE on the other side.”
> > >
> > > AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
> > >
> > > A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said
>that
> >
> > >her body hurt wherever she touched it.
> > > “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
> > > The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
>screamed,
> >
> > >then she pushed her
> > >
> > > elbow and screamed even more. She pushe d her knee and screamed;
>
> > >likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
> > >made her scream.
> > > The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
> > > “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
> > > “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”
> > >
> > > KNITTING
> > >
> > > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
>freeway.
> > > Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
>behind
> > >the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
> > >flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
> > >turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
> > >
> > > “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
> > >
> > >
> > > BLONDE ON THE SUN
> > >
> > > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
> >Russian
> > >said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the
> > >first on the moon!”
> > > The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the
>sun!”
> > > The
> > >
> > > Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
>heads.
> >
> > >”You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the
> > >Russian. To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know.
> > >We’re going at night!”
> > >
> > >
> > > IN A VACUUM
> > >
> > > A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
> > >She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
> > >question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
> > >can you hear it?”
> > > She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> > >
> > > FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> > >
> > > A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new
> >dogs,
> > >and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying
> > >that one
> > >
> > > was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
> > > Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
>that?”
> > > “HELLLOOOOOOO……,” answered the blond. “They’re Watch dogs!”

GoodHouseKeeping, The 50’s Way

2008-11-15T21:03:00.000-08:00

An actual Good Housekeeping article in the 50’s…

Best Filipino Pick-Up Lines… EVER

2008-11-15T20:32:00.000-08:00

I bet Pick-Up Line #21 works ALL THE TIME. Haha! Dare you to try these...

Pick-up lines ng mga malulupet…
>
> 1. Minamalat na naman ang puso ko..
> *** paano kasi, laging sinisigaw ang pangalan mo..
>
> 2. Ikaw ba may-ari ng Crayola??
> *** ikaw kasi nagbibigay ng kulay sa buhay ko..
>
> 3. Uy picture tayo!!
> *** para ma-develop tayo!!
>
> 4. Kung ikaw ay bola at ako ang player, mashushoot
> ba kita??
> *** hinde, kasi lagi kita mamimiss..
>
> 5. Can i take your picture??
> *** coz i want to show Santa exactly what i want for
> christmas!!
>
> 6. Exam ka ba??
> *** gustong gusto na kasi kitang i-take home eh!!
>
> 7. Lecture mo ba ako??
> *** lab kasi kita..
>
> 8. Centrum ka ba??
> *** kasi you make my life complete!!
>
> 9. Miss pwede ba kita maging driver??
> *** para ikaw na magpapatakbo ng buhay ko..
>
> 10. Mahilig ka ba sa asukal??
> *** ang tamis kasi ng mga ngiti mo..
>
> 11. Pinaglihi ka ba sa keyboard??
> *** kasi type kita..
>
> 12. I hate to say this but… You are like my
> underwear..
> *** i can’t last a day without you!!
>
> 13. Ibibili kita ng salbabida..
> *** kasi malulunod ka sa pagmamahal ko..
>
> 14. Pwede ba kitang maging sidecar??
> *** single kasi ako eh..
>
> 15.Me lisensya ka ba??
> *** coz you’re driving me crazy..
>
> 16. May kilala ka bang gumagawa ng relo??
> *** may sira ata relo ko.. pag ikaw kasi kasama ko,
> humihinto ang oras ko..
>
> 17. Grabe nakakatawa yung mga pick-up lines noh??
> hahaha! May alam ka pa bang iba?? Wala na akong
> maisip eh..
> *** kundi ikaw..
>
> 18. I’m a bee..
> *** can you be my honey??
>
> 19. Nakakatakot diba ang multo??
> *** pero mas nakakatakot kapag nawala ka sa buhay
> ko..
>
> 20. Am i a bad shooter??
> *** coz i keep on missing you..
>
> 21. May lahi ka bang aswang??
> *** ang pangit mo kasi eh..
>
> 22. Naniniwala ka ba sa love at first sight??
> *** O gusto mong dumaan ulit ako??
>
> 23. Mabilis ka siguro sa mga puzzle noh??
> *** kasi kakasimula pa lang ng araw ko, pero nabuo
> mo na agad..
>
> 24. Excuse me.. Are you a dictionary??
> *** because you give meaning to my life..
>
> 25. Bangin ka ba??
> *** nahuhulog kasi ako sa’yo..
>
> 26. Pustiso ka ba??
> *** kasi, can’t smile without you..
>
> 27. Pagod na pagod ka na noh??
> *** maghapon at magdamag kana kasing tumatakbo sa
> isipan ko eh..
>
> 28. Me butas ba puso mo??
> *** kasi natrap na ako sa loob, & i can’t find my
> way out!!
>
> 29. Anung height mo??
> *** ha?? pano ka nagkasya sa loob ng puso ko..
>
> 30. Hey, did you fart??
> *** coz you blew me away!!
>
> 31. Sana “T” na lang ako..
> *** para i’m always right next to “U”
>
> 32. Are you Jamaican??
> *** kasi Ja-maican me crazy!!
>
> 33. Nde tayo tao..Nde tayo hayop…
> *** bagay tayo…BAGAY tlga tayo…
>
> 34. Ako ay isang exam…
> *** kaya sagutin mo na ako…
>
> 35. Alam mo bang scientist ako??
> *** at ikaw ang lab ko…